Money slave

Thinking about becoming a financial dom.

Tale Spin

What is it? What is it that keeps me here? Am I not enough? Do I have enough? Do I even have enough?

It is hard. It is hard to say what kind of guts I have or can show. I love my partners. I want to be with my partners. It just gets hard. I understand their upbringing to be one of cultivated toxicity. It is really simple to see. No parents don’t have an obligation to teach their kids self-awareness and self-actualization.

I know my parents were abused. I’m not sure exactly what has happened to them but they reflect signs of abuse and neglect. I want my art to be real. My life is real. Life is real. I want it to be seen in the context of these people I co-exist/co-existed with. I love them today. I morn and praise them this moment. Why? Because they were only children with paths unseen.

I learned a lot of passive behavior and passive aggressive behavior. I understand and can read more of this now that I am aware of what it looks like and how it sounds.

Last night I went out to a show in SF at the Rickshaw Stop. Great bands, great crowed. Loved every minuet I was there up until I saw my boyfriend making out with his girlfriend. It hurt. It hurt for some reasons. Reason one is that I am jealous he is kissing her…..two I am jealous she is kissing him and not me.

Look at that! What is that seriously? I try with her so much. I try to be this awesome person to both of them and they do admire me for it…it is just I’m powerless at certain times and the jealousy triggers panic. Panic of things like never kissing her again. It’s been so long and I watch him receive those kisses I so desperately want.

She is the only girl I’ve been with and it was just so pleasant and I am so pathetic for it.

Honesty. I don’t want to lie in anything I don’t want to fake this. I feel this and I’m not ashamed to feel this manic love and pain.

Geeze

This is just it

I'll hear you
See you together
It'll just be this

I want it and
I don't deserve it

Still today
Do it to me today
Kill me today

Or give me that affection
That laugh
Those kisses
I'm so fucking selfish

I hate being this this this
Animal

I'll die this animal
I breathe as this animal
I'll for sure die as this one

Next:

I'm not him
I'm not a man

I don't have the blue eyes
I don't have the cock

I can barely watch your desperation from here
He barely wants you

Put me to sleep
Today

Jeeze

I'm gonna go to bed

Drink my tonic
I wish I was able to kill myself

What Kind?

What kind of fool am I?

everything i want is in front of me..
in its tantilizing form.

unable to connect,
the atmosphere is so thick
it wins the attention.
it won your attention/

what game is this?
what game?
i dont want to play this
how do i quit?

can i quit?



this cant be love.
I dont experience love.


I wouldnt want me as a lover,
i dont want you as a lover.


when? how?

i dont want to see this

i wont witnnest this.

its blinded me.
i can indulge...then filled with embarrasment in that one moment.
what do i know? what do i need?
can i just pass today?
what about tomorrow

just get it over with.

end me.

not ever. not once have i been able to deal.

how dare i. how dare i fall in love with you.
what a wreck.
 what a mess.

I deserve your poison
i deserve every part of your unsatisfaction.

kill me today
kill me yesterday.

this is poisoning my fucking soul
im vile
im selfish
kill me tonight

i want to eat only you.
this is why i need that shot

today bitch
right now you fucking bitch

i cant satisfy anything in this chasim known as your fucking holes

Just eat me alive and leave nonthing

dont leave a drop of me



FUCKING TAKE IT ALL.