What is it? What is it that keeps me here? Am I not enough? Do
I have enough? Do I even have enough?
It is hard. It is hard to say what kind of guts I have or can show. I love my partners. I want to be with my partners. It just gets hard. I understand their upbringing to be one of cultivated toxicity. It is really simple to see. No parents don’t have an obligation to teach their kids self-awareness and self-actualization.
I know my parents were abused. I’m not sure exactly what has happened to them but they reflect signs of abuse and neglect. I want my art to be real. My life is real. Life is real. I want it to be seen in the context of these people I co-exist/co-existed with. I love them today. I morn and praise them this moment. Why? Because they were only children with paths unseen.
I learned a lot of passive behavior and passive aggressive behavior. I understand and can read more of this now that I am aware of what it looks like and how it sounds.
Last night I went out to a show in SF at the Rickshaw Stop. Great bands, great crowed. Loved every minuet I was there up until I saw my boyfriend making out with his girlfriend. It hurt. It hurt for some reasons. Reason one is that I am jealous he is kissing her…..two I am jealous she is kissing him and not me.
Look at that! What is that seriously? I try with her so much. I try to be this awesome person to both of them and they do admire me for it…it is just I’m powerless at certain times and the jealousy triggers panic. Panic of things like never kissing her again. It’s been so long and I watch him receive those kisses I so desperately want.
She is the only girl I’ve been with and it was just so pleasant and I am so pathetic for it.
Honesty. I don’t want to lie in anything I don’t want to fake this. I feel this and I’m not ashamed to feel this manic love and pain.
It is hard. It is hard to say what kind of guts I have or can show. I love my partners. I want to be with my partners. It just gets hard. I understand their upbringing to be one of cultivated toxicity. It is really simple to see. No parents don’t have an obligation to teach their kids self-awareness and self-actualization.
I know my parents were abused. I’m not sure exactly what has happened to them but they reflect signs of abuse and neglect. I want my art to be real. My life is real. Life is real. I want it to be seen in the context of these people I co-exist/co-existed with. I love them today. I morn and praise them this moment. Why? Because they were only children with paths unseen.
I learned a lot of passive behavior and passive aggressive behavior. I understand and can read more of this now that I am aware of what it looks like and how it sounds.
Last night I went out to a show in SF at the Rickshaw Stop. Great bands, great crowed. Loved every minuet I was there up until I saw my boyfriend making out with his girlfriend. It hurt. It hurt for some reasons. Reason one is that I am jealous he is kissing her…..two I am jealous she is kissing him and not me.
Look at that! What is that seriously? I try with her so much. I try to be this awesome person to both of them and they do admire me for it…it is just I’m powerless at certain times and the jealousy triggers panic. Panic of things like never kissing her again. It’s been so long and I watch him receive those kisses I so desperately want.
She is the only girl I’ve been with and it was just so pleasant and I am so pathetic for it.
Honesty. I don’t want to lie in anything I don’t want to fake this. I feel this and I’m not ashamed to feel this manic love and pain.
